I am still here
I stood there in the corner, right at the door with a black ink pen in my hand. I
was there looking no where but forward, forward exactly facing the pen stand on
the reception desk that was been penned out and in every few seconds. I had a
black chenille bag hanging on my right shoulder which was sorta heavy because of
the amount of unnecessary items i have stuck there. I was just standing there, staring
at the pen stand. I knew i had to move forward, i knew I had to go there and
show them my appointment letter with Chad. I knew I had to take those steps
in order to clear things out. I knew it but i just got stuck there.. at the door. I lost
all the strength right at the door. I couldn’t take no step forward, non. All my mind
was going through was If i could take the step. My eyes were lost by the time my
mind took in control. I was lost through the pen stand movements to the time i
first saw those dreamy eyes that made me week. It was the first day of high
school, I was fifteen, grade nine. I carried my new school bag by this hallway that i
was so unfamiliar with cuz i was new, but so much excitement to start a new life. I
didn’t even look forward to the way i was walking at and at a second i barged into
this beautiful angel like human and then the light blue eyes. I was so lost, its as if
i could find a different dreamland in there. I didn’t know what it was... but it could
say so much. So calm.. so treasuful so dreamlike and then i shook my head
getting out of the lost into the eyes moment. He was looking straight at me
saying " Are you okay? I am sorry" oh those words, that voice. So calming and
breath taking, for a new seconds i had nothing to say. The face i look at, so
beautiful. I fell for it at once. then i slowly replied "I am okay" looking deeply into
those eyes. I was so lost in the unfamiliar feeling. That magical moment changed
my life. I was lost in his thoughts all the time. So cute and so stupid it was i must
tell. But again he did make me feel like i was living a dream in his eyes. After a
weeks I realized he was a senior. He was in grade 11. I guess i lost hope then but
during the season of semi prom i found his eyes lost ... as in looking for someone.
I hadn’t know because I didn’t even know his name. I just knew those blue dreamy
eyes. Man what a feeling it was. I knew it was the start of something but i hadnt
known what this start would take me too. 9 years later, here i am. Waiting to talk
to Chad, to the process of begging to him about the child benefit. How much can
a person change in 9 years, i cant believe the difference between him from the
day i met him to now. His dreamy eyes faded from the day we got married. I call
it the break-apart day. I mean which women would refer to there marriage day/
marriage ceremony, the day when even the gods unite as the day of breaking
apart. When i first met him, glancing into his eyes, I didn’t even know I’d ever talk
to him. I thought it could be a start of something but it wouldn’t last. I thought
good it wouldn’t last cuz it hasn’t. I gave birth to jenny, she hasn’t seen her dad
since the day. Poor kid, i look into the 2 year old’s eyes, with tears and pain that
she doesn’t have a father to look at. She looks right at me at staring at the door
with hope every time that this time I’d bring home her dad. I cry her to sometimes
but what will she understand. My lovely cuddly bear, she’s everything i need,
everything own and way more valuable than any money any property. I am here
standing at the door with no strength left in me anymore, as if i have lost the race
of life now. Who knew I’d be in this position that time, the first time i had glared
dreamily into his eyes. Who knew. Tears drop out.
I was there, standing in front of the cafeteria door passing out flyers for the next
school idol event we were having in our school. It was lunch time and our
committee felt like choosing lunch times in handing out flyers. I had no idea why i
joined the committee it was just as boring. Standing there handing out flyers and
getting freaked out about the geography test next period. I had nothing in my
head. A sudden break through and a push over and i get another glance of the
dreamy blue eyes that i gave up hopes for. What a misty it was like. Those pretty
eyes and a beautiful face. I was there looking right up for it. Looking right at me
probably even remembering the first day of school and a little giggle. "Hey, are
you the girl who i ...?-uh .." he said with a little hesitation in his words, I smiled
outta my giggles "Yeah it is me" i confidently opened my mouth wishing to
impress him in this conversation. "ahh, I didn’t know you went to this school" he
smiled ... "Hey do you mind, i know it's kinda weird, like you don’t even know but
yeah, do you want to go to the semi-prom with me." staring at me a slight pause
"you don’t have you but its just that i started to like you from that day but i never
saw you around, yeah" I could feel the excitement raise through me, it could turn
into a whole scream now, but i managed to keep it in. My could hear my
heartbeat, its was too that extent. I couldn’t believe that moment. Who knew that
the past could be hence of the future. Who knew he'd leave me half way through
life. Who knew after that prom we'd fall in love in that one night, one dance, one
kiss. Who knew that when he asked me out, the future was building up to a lovely
time after and then a break through. Who knew that one time we met could
define into a whole different future. Who knew i'd fall in love soo bad, i coudnt
live a moment with thee. Teardrops. I am still standing at the door. It's been
almost 30 minutes i was in this position. But what could i say, it did a damage of a
lifetime. I could feel my legs get tired, but what say it was tired 5 years ago as
well.
I was walking by the beach within the Nile holding hands with Chad, planing a
different future in my head. I could feel my legs loosing itself, i could feel it
burning. It was unbearable, walking for hours near the beach. "My legs hurts, i
think we should go back to the hotel" i said stopping half way through. He looked
deeply into my eyes, slowly moved his hands behind my back and picked me up
with a shock. He glared into my eyes as he walked towards this bench that was
like decorated with pillows and candles. I felt a little awkward going towards it but i
guess i went with the flow. He put me down near the bench and right going down
to his knees holding a ring pointing at me and saying "Will you marry me?" That
moment was again the same heart thumping moment, It was unbelievable. My
eyes filled with hope that my life was turning into a beautiful melody of a romantic
song. Who knew that, the melody would fade out as soon as i said yes. I am still
standing here, at the door watching the pen standing move it way. I am still here
wondering through life, as if should i move forward to walk away. It as if i hadn't
known what choice i have. Its as if life couldn’t take me to a worst level. I am still
here. A sudden blink and my eyes wonder out as the take the pen stand out of
the way i was staring at. My eyes wander into a couple who kissed goodbye to
each other. Reminded me of our marriage ceremony.
I was getting married, how exciting would that be. I was 21 still very young, mom
was very against i., She wanted me to get an arranged marriage but i guess i was
too much in love to realize what she thought was better. As i put on my wedding
dress that me and Chad had gone and spent 2 grand on it from my favourite Bridal
store, Fairless. Smiles everywhere around and giggles from bridesmaids. I was
happy and loving the feeling of being with Chad forever. The feeling would take
me anywhere. The same heart thumping experience. As I grabbed my dad's hands
and walked down the ail, looking right into Chad’s eyes that were filled with glory
and integrity. As i walked towards him, standing there reciting the vows to him,
hearing him say the vows, the pastor reciting us as Mr. & Mrs Chad Veldon and then
crossing into a perfect kiss. Its like two bodies, two souls combining in that day.
It's as if life couldn’t be any better, but i guess i had to wait a little, until I realized
the day when we were supposed to unite, it was the first step away from each
other. Who knew that kiss would be a witness of breaking hearts. Who knew life
wouldn’t treat me well after, Who knew I'd be here now. Who knew. I am here still
standing, standing at the door think what i should do with life. Wandering my eyes
around to find something interesting and i see a little kid by the reception counter.
Probably like a year old or so, not more than 15 months for sure. It looked
exactly like how Jenny used to be. As i go back and remember.
I was there, throwing up in the middle of the night, getting Chad even more
pissed since he had enough from the night be fore’s drama. I could feel the want
of getting everything out. I felt so sick i would go faint. Chad couldn’t take
anymore, he drove me to the emergency ward and left his way. After a few hours
the nurse came and took me to the other room, i discribed my symptoms nd how
dissy i feel and i think i have gained alot more than what i should. She examined
me doing some stuff, took my blood and told me to rest. The doctor came after
almost 3 hours later holding up a great smile on her face declaring that I was 11
weeks pregnant already. The smile raised across my face and I couldn’t believe it, it
was just like a miracle. I went home using the TTC and as i reached there I found
someone else in my bed. It was like life couldn’t be worst. I was here to give the
happiest news of my life and I get to see the worst news I could ever hear. Oh
then i knew where this would take me, Oh then I knew where I'd be. Oh then i
knew I'd be standing here, waiting in phrases wondering what life would do. I am
still here standing at the door almost an hour now, I could feel myself getting
tierd and i knew I had to take a step, either back or forward. I couldn’t wait
anymore because I had to do something. I had to take a step. If I care about my
little 2 year old I had to step up because I needed the money. I am bankrupt I am
nothing left to feed my child, I have nothing left to eat or nowhere to live now. I
will soon have to move into my parents house but I still need the money, the child
support. I am here standing and I take a step forward knowing even if i didn’t want
to I had an obligation too because of my child.
I take the step forward going to the front desk, "Hi, I am Clare Norman. I am here
to see Mr. Chad Veldon, I had an appointment." Tears drop out, I figured I had to
have courage in order to hold myself together in front of him. "Yeah, He is in a
meeting right now, I will call you as he gets out" the reception lady points out
where to sit. Sitting... not even 5 minutes after I see her come out of his cabin,
almost stripped out. I glanced at me but i acted as if i hadn’t known her. " Clare
Norman" the reciption lady called my name out. I went straight to her and she
directed me to his cabin. I walked in with tears dropping out, with guilt and fear
that i had to ever come back. "Here's the cheque, You should be happy I am
doing something for your baby. Take it and go away" missing the fact that it was
his baby as well. I didnt say a word, i picked up the cheque from the table and
walked towards the cabin door. I will sadness and no tragedy in my eyes, figuring
out that he respect towards me died as soon as he left me. "Wow, you did turn
out to be a big pussycat now. Looking down hating me, walking out with guilt.
Have you nothing to say not even a thank you" he yelled. I look straight at him "I'd
say thank you to someone who was worth my attention, I lost my words for you
from the day you refused in knowing me". I turned back to the door open it and
slamming it like an explosion. I left knowing good would happen now.
I am still here writing the Big tragedy of life, that I perceived in a way so I'd never
go through it. I am still here writing an ending to an unbound Imagination. I am
still here.
Written by Maria Dewan
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